Communication is a two-way street.

I was reading a book the other day on team building. I love to read, and I always find a great tip or two (or fifty) in every book. However, I was shocked at some of the “wisdom” offered in this particular work.

“Don’t talk about yourself,” the authors admonished. They went on to theorize that by sharing personal information, you were not being a supportive listener and therefore were ruining your chances of bonding with the group.

WHOA! Now, I don’t know what groups they are working with (it didn’t sound like high security prison populations…), but I find that advice to be a bit out of sorts with real life.

You see, while I agree that you need to be a good listener and allow others to speak, communication is a two way street. People connect with you much more strongly if you can find common interests and experiences, and you have to be willing to share a bit of yourself in order to do that.

When I work as a veterinarian, I find it is critical that my clients know that I understand their situation. They trust me more when they know that I grew up in the same community where I practice, and they appreciate it when I can share an anecdote about a similar experience with another patient or, even better, my own pet. By the same token, I can understand their position a little better after they tell me how Fluffy has been with them through their divorce, or how they are bothered by Fritz’s arthritis because he used to be such a maniac when he ran around the yard as a pup. Nope, it’s not really pertinent to the medical facts of the case, but it is information that is essential for me to understand what they really need.

The same is true in software development, and it is something that our team practices regularly. I’ve developed wonderful friendships with clients over the years, and I know my staff has done the same. I can’t imagine an effective working relationship where I haven’t found something in common with that person on the other end of the email or the phone line. And if they don’t know anything about ME, how can they possibly trust that I understand them? As any developer in our organization will tell you, it isn’t about delivering exactly to the client’s specs, it is about finding out what they REALLY want to accomplish and helping them to get there.

And that is why we are AGILE CRAFTSMEN and not just software development technicians. Yes, by all means, listen to your team and to your clients. But in order to really communicate with them, you need to build a relationship, and that means sharing a little bit of yourself too.